so i traveled back down that road

January 14th, 2013. Holy shit.


Usually, I base my writings exactly on my thoughts, so pardon me if this blog entry is all over the place.

Let's start with the high-light of my life: Mr. Liam Patrick Tapuro.

He is 10.5 months now. We've been planning his very first birthday party...or should I say bash? Seriously. If we were living in Philly, this kid would have a little cake and a couple family members over to sing happy birthday, but we are definitely not in Philly. We live in Hawaii where 1st birthdays are almost as important as a wedding reception. It will still be fun to celebrate though!

He just started walking a couple of days ago. That's when I realized babies learn to walk and then they learn to walk while wearing shoes. Watching him learn and develop new skills is absolutely thrilling to me.



Next topic: college. I went back to college in July 2012, and I'm currently in my third semester. Surprisingly, I've been getting decent grades. I guess when you have someone depending on you, you tend to look at your priorities a little differently. I'm also enjoying it. Oh, nursing. I'm going for my BSN as an RN. No, you read that correctly. The girl terrified of needles and blood is going to be pricking people and taking their blood amongst many other gross situations. Final topic: Back to the first statement... January 14th, 2013. Holy shit. 10 years ago was so long ago, but it seems like yesterday. Lately, I've been finding myself drifting back to those days and thinking about the kind of life I was living. I mean, I had so much fun, but wish I finished school at the time. Then again, I probably never would have made it to Maui if I had done so. Certain friends who are no longer in this world keep making appearances in my thoughts and dreams. Life truly does go on no matter what. I just wonder what it would be life if they were all still here and not robbed of the many years they still had ahead of themselves.

i said maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me

Liam is now 6 months old. I have no idea where the time went. He gets more smart and adorable with each day that passes. He just started standing up on his own last week. It's funny because he'll pull himself up onto his feet and he starts wobbling back and forth from whatever he is hanging on to, but he starts making this high pitched giggling noise while looking around the room for me to share in his disbelief that he is actually standing. I managed to snap a shot of him in all his glory the other morning.

While I'm still breastfeeding, I started feeding him rice cereal and puréed foods more consistently during the day. He loves it! I actually just ordered him a high chair that came in the other day and he enjoys it very much! I took a photo of his reaction from being in his new chair.

The only bump in the road I've been having lately is something I've been calling separation anxiety. When he starts getting fussy he wants no one but me. And his crying gets so severe that I am usually driving home like a maniac from wherever I went to really quick. I feel so horrible for leaving him sometimes. I wouldn't mind so much if it was just crying, but he scream relentlessly and it sounds as like he any breathe sometimes- just really breaks my heart. And to top it off, I just started my classes for the fall semester. He hasn't been too bad since I started, but one time is enough to make me never want to leave him again. Also, this hurts me at night because if I'm not by his side when he wakes up during the night, he'll start screaming. I've been trying to "take one for the team," if you will, and just get out of bed whenever he wakes up and stay with him until he falls back to sleep. This makes me tired and cranky during the day though. He really is all worth it though. C'mon...look at that face!

be a simple kind of man

In just one hour, Liam will be exactly 16 weeks old. I don't think I'll ever get used to him growing so quickly. Does any parent ever? People are constantly threatening me that time is going to just fly right on by now, and it makes me mad, sad & scared all at once. Mad because I know they're right- sixteen weeks ago feels like it was last night! Sad because I want to hold him in my arms forever. I want him to cry for me EVERY time I leave the room. I want to be his favorite person always. Yet, I know it won't be like this in about thirteen years. And third-of-ly*, it makes me scared because while I feel like I mastered a few skills in the past sixteen weeks, I'm still deathly afraid that I might screw him up somehow. I went back to work on April 21st and that was incredibly hard. I hated being away from him... no matter how long it was. After numerous conversations, Nestor and I decided we could try to make it work with me staying home and being a full time mommy. My final day with the rental car company was June 2nd & so far I'm happy with my decision. Liam has been giggling, drooling, rolling back & forth, and just becoming more adorable each day. I spend so much time with him that I end up accusing myself of being lazy for not doing small things around the house. I need to continuously remind myself that it's crucial to spend as much time with him while he's growing. And it's an absolute delight watching him grow. In two weeks we'll be flying to Philly so my family can meet Liam. I'm really looking forward to that. I just hope the plane ride is smooth! *I've been watching too much arrested development lately.

i don't shine if you don't shine

We left the hospital today. I didn't want to leave, but I didn't want to stay. For a little more than 24 hours it was just me and Liam. While I was still trying to contemplate the fact that I was a 'mommy' holding my brand new 'son' in my arms, it was just the two of us getting to know each other. I live with Nestor's family- his very Filipino family. We live with 9 other people! It's going to be really hard for me to go back to that with this little boy. All I want to do is have him spend all of his time with me. Then again, I haven't had a decent night of sleep in 9 months and I haven't actually slept at all in about five days. I guess it will be nice to have 9 extra people helping us out.


Since I first met Liam I haven't been able to take my eyes off of him, yet, I was still having trouble accepting the fact that I was his mommy. I didn't feel it and that scared me. I knew I loved him and I felt that love instantaneously, but the connection wasn't there yet. Regardless, the hospital was sending me off to reality with him...and trusting me at the same time! And then it happened... I was wheeled down to the front of the hospital where Nestor waited outside for valet to pull up our car. With baby in my arms, the automatic doors opened to the outside world- bright, noisy and INCREDIBLY windy! A huge gust of wind came entered the hospital as the doors opened and my instant reaction was to hug and cover Liam. I was protecting him from the wind as if it was going to eat him up. I became overly scared for him. I was instantly afraid of everything outside of those hospital doors. I wanted to go back up to room 308 and just stay put. Of course that wasn't an option.


The drive home was even scarier. You'd have though it was Nestor's first time driving from the way I kept yelling at him and telling him to slow down (he was only going 10mph at the time!). We made it home safe and sound. This little boy was ours and he was real. He's only a day old and he's loved oh so much. Jayden is Nestor's cousin which makes him Liam's second cousin. He'll be 2 years old in May. The moment Jayden realized the baby wasn't in my belly anymore and he laid his eyes on him was the most precious thing I've ever seen. He's so in love with Liam and it's just adorable. They'll be buddies forever.

you are my sunshine my only sunshine

My due date was February 13th, 2011...my dad's birthday. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but if I would have known beforehand how Liam's presence in the world would impact my dad, I would have had a scheduled delivery that very day.

However, I didn't go into labor until February 18th sometime during the night. I didn't realize I was in labor though because the pain was nothing that I had read about or had been described to me. You hear all these explanations of "tightness in the upper belly," but I had these sharp shooting pains in the very lower part of my belly. They came every ten minutes and then got closer and closer. These pains were so bad that I went to the hospital in the AM on 2/19. Dr. Neumann came in and checked me out & said I was only 1 CM dilated. I asked about being induced and he told me it was my choice, but he would rather me wait it out. The nurse had told me that all labor pains can be different, but she didn't think I was in active labor. I decided to listen to them and wait it out. I went home and it seemed as if the pains grew further apart- up until that night. These sharp shooters came back with a vengeance and they were here every 2-5 minutes. If this wasn't active labor something had to have been wrong with the baby. I was so scared, but Nestor (daddy) was sleeping soundly (not really; he was snoring!) on the bed next to me while I was quietly crying. I didn't want to overreact and go back to the hospital, but I also didn't want my little one to be suffering. I suffered all through the night until 5AM on 2/20 when I fell over from the pain. I told Nestor to call the hospital again and tell them it had gotten worst. The nurse told him to have me wait until my water broke. At 9AM I couldn't take it anymore and checked myself in at Maui Memorial Hospital. I was 2.5 CM dilated! Finally, the pain was actually doing something! At 12pm I had the epidural. I've wrecked myself for months about the long needle that comes with accepting the epidural, and honestly, it wasn't all that bad. It was actually amazing. I just felt pressure from that point on...no pain. At 2pm I was 4 CM dilated which is where I stayed until about 8pm. The DR wanted to do a c-section, but I had the nurse up my pitocin. By 11pm I was 9 CM dilated!! This was great news and I was so excited to just meet my new buddy.

It was a long wait, but my little dude had finally made his debut.


Liam Patrick Tapuro
Born 2/21/12 @ 1:23AM
7lbs, 11oz; 20.5 inches

i'm gonna show you what it's all about

Life has been good. No, that's not right. Life has been incredibly great. Got myself out of a terrible relationship in October...finally! He actually left the island which was probably better for both of us. Now, I can get back to focusing on me instead of worrying if he's going to kill me in my sleep. I had an old & dear friend come visit. You know what they say, "if it's meant to be, it'll happen." I scored a promotion at work. I've made some amazing friends over the last couple of months. And I started hanging out with a new guy. Honestly, he's the complete opposite of anyone I've ever dated. I'm not even sure if it's serious or not, but he makes me laugh. Oh, and my buddy Vince is living out here! He moved out here January 11th, 2011. We are living in Haliimaile in the smallest cottage ever. It's really good for Shep though because he has full range over the back yard (sugar canes!). And he's made some doggy friends. I had to move out of my dream house in Pukalani because of a friendship gone terribly wrong. I keep learning the hard way... I'm just too nice. Well, I'm off to show a born & raised Maui boy what Maui is all about. Swinging bridges here we come!

i'll follow you into the dark

Timing is impeccable. It amazes me that certain people walk into your life at just the right time. It saddens me that the same people are usually taking steps to begin a new chapter in their lives just as you begin to fall in love with everything they're about. You know this person is leaving so you try to make the most of it. You want to spend every second with him and embark on adventures no one has ever experienced. You want to make new memories that will last forever. You know his heart isn't fully there with you, yet you can't help but want to feel exactly what he's feeling. You want to see the world through his eyes. You want to create a friendship that is everlasting, and you hope for a relationship that defies all normalities. A rather special bond has been formed and you’re afraid to speak up because after spending such a short amount of time in each others arms you feel it may be foolish. Foolish? You may never see each other again! Foolish is not following your heart; not speaking up; not going with your gut instinct!

Always go with your gut instinct. Trust yourself.


Baby, my eyes are wide with curiosity. My thoughts are traveling to foreign places. My body’s experiencing things like never before.

Again, timing is impeccable.

"love of mine,
someday you will die.
but i'll be close behind,
i'll follow you into the dark.

Sometimes you have to let a person find themselves before they realize what they want. Even after finding their self they still may be clueless. Is not knowing where you want to end up really such a bad thing? I know I want to fall in love. I know the man I want next to me. I know I don't want an everyday routine life. I know I want to fall in love!! With the world. With friends. "son, fear is the heart of love." Stop wasting time being afraid. Yes, people always leave, but if it's meant to be something more they'll come back. The hardest part of all this is simply being patient and trusting time.

it's nothing to cry about cause we'll hold each other soon.

I can wait. cause you're the only song i want to hear.