i don't shine if you don't shine

We left the hospital today. I didn't want to leave, but I didn't want to stay. For a little more than 24 hours it was just me and Liam. While I was still trying to contemplate the fact that I was a 'mommy' holding my brand new 'son' in my arms, it was just the two of us getting to know each other. I live with Nestor's family- his very Filipino family. We live with 9 other people! It's going to be really hard for me to go back to that with this little boy. All I want to do is have him spend all of his time with me. Then again, I haven't had a decent night of sleep in 9 months and I haven't actually slept at all in about five days. I guess it will be nice to have 9 extra people helping us out.


Since I first met Liam I haven't been able to take my eyes off of him, yet, I was still having trouble accepting the fact that I was his mommy. I didn't feel it and that scared me. I knew I loved him and I felt that love instantaneously, but the connection wasn't there yet. Regardless, the hospital was sending me off to reality with him...and trusting me at the same time! And then it happened... I was wheeled down to the front of the hospital where Nestor waited outside for valet to pull up our car. With baby in my arms, the automatic doors opened to the outside world- bright, noisy and INCREDIBLY windy! A huge gust of wind came entered the hospital as the doors opened and my instant reaction was to hug and cover Liam. I was protecting him from the wind as if it was going to eat him up. I became overly scared for him. I was instantly afraid of everything outside of those hospital doors. I wanted to go back up to room 308 and just stay put. Of course that wasn't an option.


The drive home was even scarier. You'd have though it was Nestor's first time driving from the way I kept yelling at him and telling him to slow down (he was only going 10mph at the time!). We made it home safe and sound. This little boy was ours and he was real. He's only a day old and he's loved oh so much. Jayden is Nestor's cousin which makes him Liam's second cousin. He'll be 2 years old in May. The moment Jayden realized the baby wasn't in my belly anymore and he laid his eyes on him was the most precious thing I've ever seen. He's so in love with Liam and it's just adorable. They'll be buddies forever.

you are my sunshine my only sunshine

My due date was February 13th, 2011...my dad's birthday. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but if I would have known beforehand how Liam's presence in the world would impact my dad, I would have had a scheduled delivery that very day.

However, I didn't go into labor until February 18th sometime during the night. I didn't realize I was in labor though because the pain was nothing that I had read about or had been described to me. You hear all these explanations of "tightness in the upper belly," but I had these sharp shooting pains in the very lower part of my belly. They came every ten minutes and then got closer and closer. These pains were so bad that I went to the hospital in the AM on 2/19. Dr. Neumann came in and checked me out & said I was only 1 CM dilated. I asked about being induced and he told me it was my choice, but he would rather me wait it out. The nurse had told me that all labor pains can be different, but she didn't think I was in active labor. I decided to listen to them and wait it out. I went home and it seemed as if the pains grew further apart- up until that night. These sharp shooters came back with a vengeance and they were here every 2-5 minutes. If this wasn't active labor something had to have been wrong with the baby. I was so scared, but Nestor (daddy) was sleeping soundly (not really; he was snoring!) on the bed next to me while I was quietly crying. I didn't want to overreact and go back to the hospital, but I also didn't want my little one to be suffering. I suffered all through the night until 5AM on 2/20 when I fell over from the pain. I told Nestor to call the hospital again and tell them it had gotten worst. The nurse told him to have me wait until my water broke. At 9AM I couldn't take it anymore and checked myself in at Maui Memorial Hospital. I was 2.5 CM dilated! Finally, the pain was actually doing something! At 12pm I had the epidural. I've wrecked myself for months about the long needle that comes with accepting the epidural, and honestly, it wasn't all that bad. It was actually amazing. I just felt pressure from that point on...no pain. At 2pm I was 4 CM dilated which is where I stayed until about 8pm. The DR wanted to do a c-section, but I had the nurse up my pitocin. By 11pm I was 9 CM dilated!! This was great news and I was so excited to just meet my new buddy.

It was a long wait, but my little dude had finally made his debut.


Liam Patrick Tapuro
Born 2/21/12 @ 1:23AM
7lbs, 11oz; 20.5 inches

i'm gonna show you what it's all about

Life has been good. No, that's not right. Life has been incredibly great. Got myself out of a terrible relationship in October...finally! He actually left the island which was probably better for both of us. Now, I can get back to focusing on me instead of worrying if he's going to kill me in my sleep. I had an old & dear friend come visit. You know what they say, "if it's meant to be, it'll happen." I scored a promotion at work. I've made some amazing friends over the last couple of months. And I started hanging out with a new guy. Honestly, he's the complete opposite of anyone I've ever dated. I'm not even sure if it's serious or not, but he makes me laugh. Oh, and my buddy Vince is living out here! He moved out here January 11th, 2011. We are living in Haliimaile in the smallest cottage ever. It's really good for Shep though because he has full range over the back yard (sugar canes!). And he's made some doggy friends. I had to move out of my dream house in Pukalani because of a friendship gone terribly wrong. I keep learning the hard way... I'm just too nice. Well, I'm off to show a born & raised Maui boy what Maui is all about. Swinging bridges here we come!

i'll follow you into the dark

Timing is impeccable. It amazes me that certain people walk into your life at just the right time. It saddens me that the same people are usually taking steps to begin a new chapter in their lives just as you begin to fall in love with everything they're about. You know this person is leaving so you try to make the most of it. You want to spend every second with him and embark on adventures no one has ever experienced. You want to make new memories that will last forever. You know his heart isn't fully there with you, yet you can't help but want to feel exactly what he's feeling. You want to see the world through his eyes. You want to create a friendship that is everlasting, and you hope for a relationship that defies all normalities. A rather special bond has been formed and you’re afraid to speak up because after spending such a short amount of time in each others arms you feel it may be foolish. Foolish? You may never see each other again! Foolish is not following your heart; not speaking up; not going with your gut instinct!

Always go with your gut instinct. Trust yourself.


Baby, my eyes are wide with curiosity. My thoughts are traveling to foreign places. My body’s experiencing things like never before.

Again, timing is impeccable.

"love of mine,
someday you will die.
but i'll be close behind,
i'll follow you into the dark.

Sometimes you have to let a person find themselves before they realize what they want. Even after finding their self they still may be clueless. Is not knowing where you want to end up really such a bad thing? I know I want to fall in love. I know the man I want next to me. I know I don't want an everyday routine life. I know I want to fall in love!! With the world. With friends. "son, fear is the heart of love." Stop wasting time being afraid. Yes, people always leave, but if it's meant to be something more they'll come back. The hardest part of all this is simply being patient and trusting time.

it's nothing to cry about cause we'll hold each other soon.

I can wait. cause you're the only song i want to hear.

i don't feel the way i've ever felt

TIMELINE FOR PAIN AND RECOVERY


7/16/10- @ 1400 HST: WISDOM TEETH REMOVED
7/16/10- @ 2000 HST: JAW STILL NUMB

7/17/10- @ 0900 HST: WAKE UP & GET READY FOR WORK/LOTS OF BLOOD IN MOUTH/CHANGE GAUZE
7/17/10- @ EACH HOUR --> CHANGE GAUZE. LIVING ON SOUP.
7/17/10- @ 2100 HST: PAINFUL, BUT NOT UNBEARABLE

7/18/10- @ 0900 HST: WAKE UP & GET READY FOR WORK/SMALL KINE BLOOD/CHANGE GAUZE
7/18/10- @ EVERY 4 HRS --> TYLENOL 500MG FOR PAIN.

7/19/10- @ 1000 HST: WAKE UP, FEELING NAUSEOUS.
7/19/10- @ 1600 HST: FEELING LIKE SHIT AT WORK. TYLENOL NO LONGER HELPING.
7/19/10- @ 1930 HST: LEAVE WORK EARLY MAHALOS TO KWANZA FOR CLOSING.
7/19/10- @ 2000 HST: I FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN STABBED ON BOTH SIDES OF MY JAW/TIME TO TAKE THE VICODIN.
7/19/10- @ 2115 HST: BEGIN THE PUKE FEST!
7/19/10- @ 2245 HST: STILL PUKING WITH A 103* FEVER. CAN'T EVEN SIP ON WATER AT THIS POINT WITHOUT IT COMING UP. STARTING TO FEEL WEAK.
7/19/10- @ 2330 HST: LOTS OF PUKE AND TEARS.

7/20/10- @ 1230 HST: TIME FOR A TRIP TO THE ER THANKS TO LAU.
7/20/10- @ 0115 HST: NURSE IS COOL. HE LOOKS LIKE SOME B-LIST CELEBRITY WHOSE NAME I CANNOT REMEMBER. DR COMES IN WITH THE WORLD'S BIGGEST NEEDLE AND DEFINITELY TELLS ME TO "OPEN WIDE." AND I DEFINITELY RESPONDED "AS IF!" I ASKED HIM TO TELL ME WHAT THE NEEDLE WAS FOR AND WHAT WAS IN IT. DOC SAYS "LISTEN, I HAVE MORE SICK PEOPLE TO ATTEND TO SO IF YOU WANT TO STOP SUFFERING YOU'LL OPEN WIDE." THANKS FOR NUMBING MY WHOLE FACE WHEN ALL I REALLY NEEDED WAS AN IV TO PUMP SOME FLUIDS BACK INTO MY SYSTEM AND SOMETHING TO HELP STOP THE VOMITING AND FEVER.
7/20/10- @ 1300 HST: BACK AT DENTIST. HE CLEANS THE HOLES OUT. PRESCRIBES STRONGER MEDS.
7/20/10- @ 1430 HST: TOOK IBUPROFEN. FEELING A LOT BETTER. BEACH TIME WITH DOGGIE.

7/21/10- @ 0400 HST: STABBED IN THE JAW AGAIN. AFRAID TO TAKE PERCOCET JUST YET. 2 IBUPROFEN. PLS DRUG LORD, HELP.
7/21/10- @ 1000 HST: OK. A LITTLE BIT BETTER.
7/21/10- @ 1400 HST: FEELING WEAK AGAIN. HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO EAT MUCH. TRYING TO STAY HYDRATED.
7/21/10- @ 1900 HST: PAIN IS MORE UNBEARABLE THAN MONDAY NIGHT. TIME FOR THE PERC-ULATOR. (SLEPT LIKE A BABY)

7/22/10- @ 0600 HST: PAIN STARTING TO COME BACK...TAKE AN IBUPROFEN.
7/22/10- @ 0800 HST: WHAT'S FOR BREAKF--VOMIT. VOMIT. VOMIT.
7/22/10- @ 1100 HST: FEEL LIKE DEATH. FML. STILL VOMITING. HEART FEELS OUT OF CONTROL. I'M PRETTY SURE I'M DYING.
7/22/10- @ 1130 HST: CALL KAISER. "PLEASE SAVE ME."
7/22/10- @ 1134 HST: CALL ERIK TO GET ME HELP
7/22/10- @ 1136 HST: CALL DADDY TO TELL HIM I THINK I'M DYING
7/22/10- @ 1215 HST: HELP (MAILE) ARRIVES TO TAKE ME TO KAISER.
7/22/10- @ 1300 HST: NURSE @ KAISER SAYS "WOW, YOU'RE REALLY DEHYDRATED. I'M GONNA SET YOU UP HERE ON AN IV AND I'LL GET YOU SOMETHING TO CALM YOUR STOMACH DOWN. DR COMES IN SHORTLY AFTER AND SAYS "NO NEED FOR AN IV. YOUR HEART RATE AND PULSE ARE OKAY, NOT GREAT, BUT OKAY. YOU'RE MILDLY DEHYDRATED BUT IF YOU START DRINKING WATER OR GATORADE IT SHOULD HELP YOU OUT TREMENDOUSLY." ME: "YEAH, I'D REALLY LIKE THAT, BUT I CAN'T STOP THROWING UP!" DR GIVES ME PRESCRIPTION TO STOP PUKING.
7/22/10- @ 1500 HST: FINALLY LEAVE KAISER. MAILE BRINGS ME HOME. I DRINK GATORADE AND IT STAYS DOWN.
7/22/10- @ 1800 HST: ERIK, WHILE IN CALIFORNIA, ORDERS ME A SLICE OF PIZZA, MOZZ STICKS & CHICKEN CAESAR SALAD. I EAT PIZZA AND MOZZ STICKS. WHILE WATCHING THE OFFICE AND FEEL INSTANTLY & TREMENDOUSLY BETTER.

7/23/10- @ 0900 HST: STILL SORE ON THE JAW FRONT. KINDA FEEL LIKE I HAVE AN EARACHE.
7/23/10- @ 0930 HST: BACK TO TAKING IBUPROFEN, JUST NOT ON AN EMPTY TUMMY.

7/24/10- @ 1030 HST: WOKE UP FEELING KINDA BLAH. BACK TO WORK TODAY.
7/24/10- @ 1300 HST: AT WORK, NOT FEELING SO HOT. SORT OF FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO PASS OUT.
7/24/10- @ 1500 HST: OK. I'M GOING TO PASS OUT. THIS SUCKS.
7/24/10- @ 1700 HST: ATE A TURKEY SANDWICH. I'M ALIVE AGAIN.
7/24/10- @ 2245 HST: HOME FROM WORK. EARACHE SETTING IN. HAVE A SORE THROAT. UGH. IBUPROFEN TIME.

and she says "don't worry baby"

I am in Owensboro, Kentucky right now and I'm watching Law & Order. This episode features Hilary Duff. Apparently some spanish lady stole her baby. I'm not buying it though.

My company sent me to help train some new employees at our newest operations in Kentucky & Tennessee. As of right now everything is going great. The people here love us, which is truly a good feeling. I am actually enjoying myself a lot more than I imagined. I want to transfer up here. I'm almost certain it would be approved, but Erik doesn't want to come up here. He's holding out for his dream job in California. I'm so confused because this could be a really great opportunity for me.

Today I had to deny boarding to an elderly passenger due to his oxygen tank. I felt unbelievably terrible, but he completely understood. I ended up taking a break from work to drive him back home since his daughter stayed on the flight. We got to talking and I told him how I wasn't from the area. Later in the day he & his wife came back and invited me over for dinner. I had some of the best BBQ food ever tonight. We really just talked all night. Tuesday, Betty & I are going to go out on the town so she can show me around. I'm stoked!!

Looks like Hilary Duff is lying. It's only 15 minutes into this episode though...anything could happen!

jurassic bark

The reinstatement of Michael Vick is one of the sickest and most demented thing the NFL has ever allowed. I don’t know how the rest of the country feels, but I can state my feelings and I’m sure lots of people will agree. Most people I’ve spoken to over the last few days aren’t knowledgeable of the fact that he didn’t just run a dog-fighting ring. This is a man who supported the joy of watching dogs kill each other as well as murdering the dogs that didn’t fight well. This is a man who participated in gruesome acts such as shooting, hanging, drowning, electrocuting and slamming dogs into the ground. What kind of human being is capable of doing such a thing? Well, there are lots of those kinds in this world. Our job as a community and structured democracy is to see that they are righteously punished. Twenty-three months as punishment? Let’s remember that only eight-teen of those months were actually served in prison. The rest of his term was spent on house arrest in his classy, sprawling Virginia estate. Talk about the good life. I don’t feel this man was righteously punished as it is, but then to reinstate him into the NFL?! Michael Vick will be paid $1.625 million for the 2009 season unless of course the team that signed him, none other than the Philadelphia Eagles, will drop him before regular season begins. If the team keeps him for the 2010 season he’ll be getting $5.25 million plus a $1.5 million roster bonus! This is incredible that a person of his nature is even allowed to make this type of money. What amazes me even more is that young kids will be idolizing this man. The NFL is responsible for allowing this man to represent what’s wrong with this country. You can do something as horrible and atrocious as killing dogs and still have the “good life.” He will still reap all the wonderful benefits that so many of us hard-working, honest, good people will never experience. Sure, Michael Vick is going to show remorse during interviews. And of course he has completely changed for the better in the past two years. Who wouldn’t say that stuff if they were being allowed to have celebrity status and offered lots of money?

There’s not a lot one person can do to get Vick out of the NFL. I can write all the things I feel all day and I probably won’t get anywhere with it. We can change the outcome of this horrifying situation as a group. We can try to prevent Vick from being a professional football player as a community. But as a country who loves the sport, we can show the NFL that we will not root for and/or support an organization that backs up a dog killer. Shame on the Eagles for considering and accepting Michael Vick as a team member. Shame on Commissioner Roger Goodell for granting Vick a second chance that he does not deserve. And shame on those who support this man!

I will not be bleeding green this season.