i don't shine if you don't shine

We left the hospital today. I didn't want to leave, but I didn't want to stay. For a little more than 24 hours it was just me and Liam. While I was still trying to contemplate the fact that I was a 'mommy' holding my brand new 'son' in my arms, it was just the two of us getting to know each other. I live with Nestor's family- his very Filipino family. We live with 9 other people! It's going to be really hard for me to go back to that with this little boy. All I want to do is have him spend all of his time with me. Then again, I haven't had a decent night of sleep in 9 months and I haven't actually slept at all in about five days. I guess it will be nice to have 9 extra people helping us out.


Since I first met Liam I haven't been able to take my eyes off of him, yet, I was still having trouble accepting the fact that I was his mommy. I didn't feel it and that scared me. I knew I loved him and I felt that love instantaneously, but the connection wasn't there yet. Regardless, the hospital was sending me off to reality with him...and trusting me at the same time! And then it happened... I was wheeled down to the front of the hospital where Nestor waited outside for valet to pull up our car. With baby in my arms, the automatic doors opened to the outside world- bright, noisy and INCREDIBLY windy! A huge gust of wind came entered the hospital as the doors opened and my instant reaction was to hug and cover Liam. I was protecting him from the wind as if it was going to eat him up. I became overly scared for him. I was instantly afraid of everything outside of those hospital doors. I wanted to go back up to room 308 and just stay put. Of course that wasn't an option.


The drive home was even scarier. You'd have though it was Nestor's first time driving from the way I kept yelling at him and telling him to slow down (he was only going 10mph at the time!). We made it home safe and sound. This little boy was ours and he was real. He's only a day old and he's loved oh so much. Jayden is Nestor's cousin which makes him Liam's second cousin. He'll be 2 years old in May. The moment Jayden realized the baby wasn't in my belly anymore and he laid his eyes on him was the most precious thing I've ever seen. He's so in love with Liam and it's just adorable. They'll be buddies forever.